We'll do it by befuddling the rest of the world:
China does not know quite what to make of Charlie Sheen.
The Chinese Communist newspaper Global Times, is running an amazing op-ed by a person named Hao Leifeng listing all the ways in which Sheen is a "classic example of the difference in Western and Eastern values and norms. ... Is he too poor to set up his wives and mistresses in different houses?"
Also: "He ignored his own father's advice to keep quiet, who was once the president of the US. Sheen is a disgrace, unfilial to his father and his fatherland."
More at the link. I do find it somewhat unnerving that China's press thinks "The West Wing" was real. Maybe something was lost in translation. Anyway, I think this represents a good opportunity for American diplomacy. We should make Charlie Sheen a roving ambassador, sent into whatever country we're having trouble with in order to bewilder them into acquiescence. Imagine how Gaddafi would react if he was told a warlock with tigerblood was coming to Tripoli? (And with a his own army of female attendants) Or what if we told him that the youth of Libya actually were on drugs... the drug called "Charlie Sheen" that is so powerful that if normal humans try it once they die. Gaddafi would definitely cede power and leave the country, pronto.
Or imagine how the Taliban would respond if they heard a "total bitchin' rock star from Mars" was the new American secret weapon against terror? They'd quake in their boots. The Taliban can't even handle Earth music... Mars rock and roll would make their heads literally explode.
Just imagine the possibilities. We could get the globe cleaned up in no time. Boom. Winning.
(Pop culture is usually Drezner's beat, I know, but I couldn't pass this one up. HT to somebody on Twitter.)